How to maintain a good long-term relationship?
Communication includes talking and listening, that is,
express problems in time, when you have complaints of, must take the initiative to talk to the other party, rather than send to the so-called blue-eyed red.
In the other party’s area of concern, when you need to express your views and opinions, do not be perfunctory.
When the other party is expressing, listen carefully and do not base on the expression of an antagonistic attitude.
For a simple example, when you go shopping, the other party is late, or glanced at other girls, you are very angry inside, very hot, the other party also felt your emotions. But no matter how the other side asked you bite the bullet and say it’s okay, the other side put their hearts down really as nothing you but aggrieved to cry up blame around him not understand you.
Obviously there are problems but do not communicate to express. One feels not understood, one feels that the other is making a scene. This is the vicious circle of love.
There are many couples who go to the other extreme, because of the fear of conflict, so reject everything that will trigger a quarrel may.
But in fact, two people who grew up in different family environments, more or less will have a conflict of character and habits, there are conflicts and friction is really nothing, quarrel is also a kind of communication, a single-mindedly to avoid quarrels, it seems that the two people are very harmonious, but in fact, conflicts are in the dark breeding.
A good quarrel can be the most efficient way to guide two people to reach a consensus.
About how to quarrel, recommend the American psychologist Marshall Luxembourg’s “non-violent communication”. If you do not have time, you can also refer to this article of mine.
Hongsang: “Are you taking gun pills to talk?” — Why do we argue so easily with people 4250 Agree - 89 Comments on the article
2. Mutual Compromise
There is bound to be friction in a relationship, and there are bound to be faults.
If your partner makes a mistake, or you find some flaws in the other person, remind yourself to accept it rather than trying to change the other person.
As a counselor, I’ve seen too many relationships fall apart that were trying to change the other person.
Choosing a career-oriented man and then asking him to take care of the family and raise children.
Chose to enter a long-distance relationship, and then constantly go to stress for the other party. That long distance makes them insecure.
The company’s primary goal is to provide the best possible service to its customers.
I hope he is crazy, but also hope that he is not alone; want him cold, but also want him frivolous and cheap; want him sunshine, but also his style does not shake.
This with “change each other” mode of love, the end result is often to let both sides are physically and mentally exhausted, the final wretched end.
The fact is that you can find a lot of people who are not able to get a good deal on a lot of things.
Mutual compromise means accepting each other’s imperfections.
3. change for each other
Developmental psychology theory tells us that life is originally a process of slowly discovering ourselves, from the “ego” to the “ego” and “superego”.
When we were young, we all felt that the moon was revolving around us and the world was preparing for us, and even many people in love feel that their lovers should naturally meet their own demands.
But love is the process of mutual integration. In this journey, we inevitably have to cut off some of their own edges, in order to adapt to the life of two people, to amend some of the rhythm of life.
For a simple example, perhaps single you are particularly late to bed, but also hope to play a few more games in the evening, but your partner has to get up early every day to work, so I’m afraid your habit of playing games at night will have to stay on weekdays.
For example, many girls in love like to talk about their feelings about the relationship, such as missing and complaining, but most guys do not like this kind of emotional communication. As far as I can observe, the intimate relationship that can last long is often in the process of the man getting better at listening, and the woman is getting less and less complaining, all considering each other’s feelings of making changes.
To put it bluntly, with each step back, change is mutual, not one-way.
Many people will feel that this article and the previous one is contradictory: since we have said to accept each other, why change for each other?
In fact, intimacy itself is a prisoner’s dilemma, a non-zero-sum game, if the two people in an intimate relationship think in terms of “I” instead of “we”, and both make the decision that is best for “I “instead of standing for “us”, the relationship is doomed to fail.
It is like a prisoner’s dilemma in which two prisoners are in separate cells, each fearing that the other will betray them if they trust them, and thus make choices that hurt the best interests of both.
PS: Explanation of the Prisoner’s Dilemma
The story of the Prisoner’s Dilemma is about two suspects who are caught by the police after committing a crime and are held in separate rooms for interrogation. The police know they are guilty, but lack sufficient evidence. The police tell each of them: if they both deny, they each get one year in jail; if they both confess, they each get eight years; if one of them confesses and the other denies, the one who confesses gets out and the one who denies gets ten years.
Thus, each prisoner is faced with two choices: confess or deny. However, no matter what the partner chooses, the best choice for each prisoner is to confess: if the partner denies, he confesses, then let out, deny the sentence of one year, confess than not to confess; if the partner confesses, he confesses then sentenced to eight years, compared to the denial of the sentence of ten years, confess or better than the denial.
As a result, both suspects chose to confess, each sentenced to eight years in prison. If they both deny each sentenced to one year, obviously this result is better. The profound problem reflected in the prisoner’s dilemma is that individual human rationality can sometimes lead to collective irrationality. - smart humans can be cocooned by their own cleverness, or to the detriment of the collective good.
4. stay away from “ambiguity”
Many intimate relationships collapse when one partner feels that the other has an ambiguous and unspecified relationship with another person of the opposite sex, and trust collapses, leading to a breakup.
It is interesting to note that different people have different criteria for evaluating “ambiguity”.
Some people think that chatting with other people of the opposite sex after 10 p.m. is ambiguous.
Some people think it is ambiguous to use two expressions when talking about the opposite sex.
Some people think that sending the opposite sex home alone after the party is ambiguous.
However, there are just as many people who feel that the above three behaviors are very normal.
Therefore, in the early stages of the relationship, we must build a “ambiguous” consensus, which will reduce the frequency of tearing later.
For example, the definition of “ambiguous” Hong Sang himself is, with the opposite sex, have non-work reasons for one-on-one dating.
5. understand the differences in thinking, do not judge others by themselves
In other words, do not use their own ideas to consider each other.
This is especially important to note because there are many differences in thinking between men and women.
For example, when faced with negative emotions, men are used to hiding in caves, women are used to expressing to relieve stress.
Men who encounter distress like to open the “cave mechanism”, that is, their own quiet stay a while to digest the trouble, women, in order to express concern, tend to take the initiative to communicate trying to open the heart of the man. But this powerful way of communication will instead offend men and cause conflict.
Men think I should deal with their emotions before communicating with the other half, so subconsciously reject communication, will say “you let me alone for a while” similar words.
Women feel relief of emotions should be through communication. I care about you before trying to approach you. Why do you push me away? You must not love me.
This time, the two sides have different judgment mechanisms for dealing with the same problem, which leads to arguments. So men to understand the girl like to share emotions. This trait, chatting more share some of each other’s experience, can quickly enhance the intimacy. Women to understand the man’s cave mechanism, in the man needs to digest the emotions when give him time not to disturb too much.
6. exclude the “ex misconception”
In addition to the differences in thinking between men and women, there is a “former misconception”.
For example, in the emotional counseling I have encountered a similar problem, a young girl complained to me with a face of aggression: the former will be carefully prepared for themselves every holiday, but also choose their favorite gifts, while the current nothing, is not like their own.
However, under my guidance, she also thought of many points that the incumbent could not do, for example, although the incumbent does not pay attention to the rituals of the holidays, but is very aware of the hot and cold, can remember their own physiological period, and in those days after work are made porridge to drink for themselves.
American psychologist Gary. Chapman has a very famous book on intimacy, “The Five Languages of Love”.
This book illustrates a truth that is easily overlooked by people in love: different people, the way to express love is different, there are the following five.
Words of affirmation, elaborate moments, acceptance of gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
Many young lovers will take some things for granted after experiencing their first relationship: the ex will pick them up every time they get off work, which should be done by their partners, and the incumbent even said he took a taxi home from work, so he must not care.
In fact, the incumbent did not do some of the things of his predecessor, or did not do some of the things you expect, does not mean that the other party does not love you, just a different way of expressing love.
7. give each other space
Even the intimate lovers, but also need their own space.
The first thing you need to do is to get your own space.
In the past, I have seen too many students with “anxious attachment personality” who are unwilling to give space to each other, turning the relationship into a bondage and oppression.
In yesterday’s counseling session, one girl chanted something like.
“He wasn’t like this at the beginning. He must not love me anymore.”
“I don’t know why. Every relationship is like this. As long as she doesn’t return my messages, I feel like she’s with another woman.”
Anxious attachment often has several characteristics.
A sense of loss and gain and then begin to brainstorm various scenarios of loss, expressing and understanding love in a possessive way.
sound sense of dependence, want to keep in touch with the lover at all times, want to know where a is, what he is doing, who he is with.
sensitive and suspicious, always feel that the other party does not love them enough, a word not right will easily be hysterical.
like to test the feelings, serious and even used to break up as soon as there is a conflict, but the purpose is not to break up, but to enjoy the other party to retain their panicked look.
Used to sacrificial giving, but this giving is often self-touching, and can not make the other party recognized.
Anxiety is essentially a fear: fear of being abandoned leads to fear.
This fear leads to a love affair and the desire to be in control, thus making the other party feel the pressure, leading to emotional combing or even breaking up.
7. ensure the harmony of sexual life
Partners together must initially be based on spiritual rapport, and only later is the physical union.
Ensure a certain frequency of sex life can enhance the relationship between the two sides.
At the same time, in the sex life, you need to maintain a certain amount of fun and fun. You can not take sex as a task. You need to enjoy it. If necessary, you can use tools to increase the interest.